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REACTING vs RESPONDING
(From the book, Crucial Conversations)

When “under fire,” do you react … or respond? About resolving conflicts and influencing people, this useful guide covers every conceivable aspect of talking with others. People hear facts and stories and turn them into shared knowledge when they're not attacked or overpowered--in other words, when they feel safe. No mushy mental health lesson, the program does a stellar job of explaining many types of communication errors and describing the best ways to achieve mutual purpose. The authors have exceptional ideas about moving toward healthy solutions in a variety of business and personal realms. Anna Fields gives a perfect reading--emotionally bright but still allowing the lesson to retain its practical, straight-talking nature.

The authors define crucial conversations as conversations that occur when there is a lot at stake, when emotions are strong, and when opinions differ. They suggest that when dialogue becomes crucial, people react in one of three ways. They either avoid the conversation (go to silence), they react but do so poorly by lashing out or getting angry (go to violence), or they face them and handle them well (respond assertively). Unfortunately, human physiology prevents the latter from happening naturally because when situations intensify and the stakes get high, we prepare for fight or flight. As our brain diverts blood to the larger extremities in preparation to flee, our higher-level reasoning is left to face challenging situations with very little capability. As a result, the authors assert that when it matters the most, we do our worst at communicating.

Because we are poorly equipped to handle high-stakes dialogue, the book is written on the premise that when you are stuck in any situation – whether it’s at home or work – there is a crucial conversation keeping you from accomplishing the desired results. If you can learn to speak up in these crucial moments effectively, then you can accomplish the results you are after. The authors support this idea by referring to people who are considered influential by their peers and managers in their work and relationships. These people are masters of crucial conversations. They possess a skill-set that allows them to face any situation with nearly anybody – no matter power, position, or authority.

(see Assertiveness)